Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Thinking about the "What If's" of Life... On Miscarriage and Life Changes

If things had gone differently a year and a half ago, and I had been able to carry my last pregnancy to term, we would have a 1 year old child toddling around the house these days. My due date was March 23 of last year, and I tend to go "late" in delivering, so anytime around now we would have been baking a cake and putting one candle in the middle for the wee one to blow out and make a mess of.

I don't know why things worked out the way they did that September. I still look back and question  myself as to whether there was anything I could have done differently, anything that I did wrong to cause this, and I know all the canned answers to these questions. Still, I wonder.

Yes, I know God is in control and all things work together for the good of those that love Him.  That There is a Reason for everything that happens.  A greater plan than what I had in mind.  This isn't a promise that there will be no pain, however. It doesn't mean that (what we perceive to be) bad things will never happen to "good people" and you will never feel like your heart is in someone's fist and they won't let go and you don't know what to do about it other than cry out to God.  I am thankful and blessed to know the Healer, and to find that as He walks with me through pain and trials and works on that heart I spoke of up there, that is often where I experience the most growth in my walk with Christ.  This is quite humbling, actually, to find that trials drive me to Him....but the many blessings I receive often do not. (Why is that, anyway? I have a feeling I am not the only one...)

I am not without hope as I wonder and think back to what was and what is now and what might have been.

I dreamt the other night of a tow-headed little boy toddling around, me trying to keep up with him, and he was very clearly (in my dream) our child.

I don't know whether the dream was a gift from God or merely the working of my subconscious, but either way I did find comfort in it. I also remembered my Grandparents who passed on not too long before Avery(for that's the name we gave the child) went from this world to the next. And I remembered them all with a smile.

I have hope. Hope in Christ and His saving grace. I believe I will see them all, one day, when my work on earth is done, for I have accepted God's gift of His Son, who died on the cross to pay for *my* sins.  When I die (or Christ returns, whichever comes first), I can stand before God's Holy presence, made clean of my sin and forgiven because Christ shed His blood and paid my debt in full...and I believed on Him. As far as I can know I believe my Grandparents knew the Lord as well.  So this is why I have hope, and Who my hope is in--Christ!

As I linger on this earth, these verses in Jeremiah come to mind:

 11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
   12Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
   13And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

 These verses are in the context of Jeremiah addressing the people of Israel taken captive by Nebuchadnezzar from Jerusalem to Babylon.  They were taken away from what they knew, and I imagine they were distraught and at loss of what to do in this foreign land.

Sometimes I feel, with life changes, that I have entered a foreign land as well...

What does God(using Jeremiah) tell the people to do in Babylon? (And I ask myself, what should I do in my "foreign land"?)

Verses 5-8 in the chapter gives these instructions:
~Build houses, and dwell in them
~Plant gardens, and eat the fruit of them
~Raise your family, and help them start families of their own
~Seek peace of the city you are in - Pray for it
~Don't be deceived by false prophets and dreams - Seek the Lord

And verses 11-15:
~Call on Him
~Pray to Him, and He will hear you
~Seek Him--and find Him when we seek with all our heart

So, from this, I get that we are to carry on with life, seeking to raise Godly families and take care of what we've been given, to have a relationship with God such that we can pray for the place we are in and seek God's face (and be able to recognize a false prophet when we see one).

So, these things are what I am seeking to do as I walk in this land that is not quite the home I had once imagined it to be.

This world is not my home, I'm just passing through.
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore...

O Lord you know I have no friend like you
If Heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do?
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

There are things that matter. God. Family. Taking care of what God's given to us. Seeking God's face in all we do.
And there are those things that don't matter. <insert everything else here>
I'm trying to focus on the first list.

A piece of a song that comes to mind as I write this is from This World by Caedmon's Call.  

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

So true.  If only we could keep this in mind in our day to day lives and not get lost in all this world has to offer.

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